I don't know that I feel like blogging but I know that I don't feel like studying, so I'm thinking of putting into words my clinical experience so far. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing clinical instructor? Well, I say that today because she had my clinical group participate in an activity that allows us to vocalize our feelings about clinicals. It sounds weird that 5 hours working in a hospital could be enough for you to need self therapy, but it is so intense and so overwhelming to be in clinical sometimes that we need a way of defining how we feel, pinpointing our emotions instead of suppressing them. So our instructor had us close our eyes and sit in silence for a couple of minutes just bringing our emotions to the surface. I immediately started squirming in my seat because I don't like to explore emotions in front of others. I am all about suppressing! So as soon as I closed my eyes I knew the tears would come. Next, one by one we vocalized our feelings, going through the range of emotions that can be so contradictory all in a matter of seconds.
For me today, my feelings were overwhelmed, inadequate, excited, frustrated, tired, mentally exhausted, forgiven.
I was surprised to hear as we went around the room that I was not alone. We are expected to know so much and perform so well that you can't help but be left with feelings that you didn't do enough. Today was the first time that I questioned whether nursing is for me. I know that I can nurture the patient and keep my patient safe, but can I deal with the busyness that nurses face for 12 hours a day - never feeling like they accomplished everything, having to prioritize and skip things that may not be life-threatening but may improve a patient's stay. It is incredibly draining to not only grapple with your own emotions but also to take on the emotions of your patients. You try not to feel too much of their feelings but emotions easily attach themselves to whoever they are around.
Nursing forces you to examine your shortcomings. When you think you are smart, something happens that makes you feel like an idiot. When you think you are well organized, a situation comes in that makes you forget you ever had a plan.
But nursing also makes you come back for more and realize that we do what we can, and we care and respect our patients and we eventually forget that we spilled a urinal all over the floor (yeah, happened to me today) and we report on the next week.
I realize that God doesn't need me to be perfect but He wants me to trust that as I work my hardest He replaces my weakness with His strength and my inabilities with His grace.

I did it! I survived first week of clinical!

So yesterday was Face Your Fear day ( I heard it on the radio, so it may be a little unofficial) and it was very appropriate that yesterday was my first day of clinical. Sometimes I don't know why I am always so interested in things that stretch me to the max, but for some reason I have this weird need to do those things that scare me the most, those things that challenge me, and for me yesterday, that was clinical.
I've never been in a hospital for more than a day, nor have visited anyone in the hospital for an extended amount of time, so yesterday was very, very new to me. I didn't know if I'd say anything comprehensible to my patient or calm my hands enough to give a bed bath, but by the grace of God I actually was pretty calm and did pretty well. Not that it wasn't extremely overwhelming and scary but God just kept assuring me that I was supposed to be there.
It's really crazy that I walk on the floor in my scrubs and no one kicks me out! No one says visitor hours are over, no one questions what I am doing at the computer, I don't have to ask anyone whether I can go in a patient's room! It's wild that I am allowed to do most of my patient's care and people actually ask me questions to get information about their patient.
Some cool things I got to see and do: One of the coolest things was being able to see a PICC line inserted into my patient's vein. They ultrasound the arm to find a vein and then insert a tube into the arm that goes into one of the main vessels in the heart.

I was able to do blood glucose testing, discontinue an IV and pull out the tubing.
I did all my patient care minus meds and all unsupervised and it was my first day! I went home sure that I had done something terrible to my patient but I actually got positive feedback about how I did. The funniest thing to me was when I reported off to the nurse (let her know I was leaving, gave an update on our patient) she said, "You were so calm and collected." Haha, yeah right! I was freaking out inside!

Nursing is an adventure and you just get thrown into it all. I didn't realize that I would be dealing with ethical issues my first day there! I dealt with issues of end of life care and the debate of feeding an older, debilitated patient or just giving them IV fluids. It was way more complicated than that and I could really go into it, but it's still overwhelming for me to contemplate some decisions that were made. I was there when a daughter got the news that her mother was going to hospice, that there was nothing else that could be done. Talk about needing to be prayed up before going into clinical.
One last thing, I have the best clinical instructor! She is a nun and uses every opportunity to pray with, speak the gospel to, or share God's love with any patient that needs it. How appropriate that God put me with her to learn how to incorporate my faith into my job everyday.It is seriously like being discipled and I know that not all instructors at my school are like that so I am grateful.
This may sound like a rosy post, but it was not all rosy, believe me. I was excited, scared, happy, crying, frustrated, and confident all in a matter of two clinical days, and still can't believe I have 6 more weeks to go!

a 100!

OK, I'm not trying to brag but I have to make note of this day because it may not happen again in the next two years of school, but I got a 100 on my fundamentals exam!!!!!! For those who know how subjective and hard and tricky these exams are, you know why I am so excited. It was announced today that 2 people out of 81 students got a 100 but I didn't even have a thought that it would be me, and it was!!!!!
Ok, sorry so not trying to be proud because seriously, I have never appreciated my brain till now, so I'm just grateful.

I was a little embarrassed when I was at church talking about how hard nursing school is, and the person said,"You are smiling really big, you must love it." But then I thought, wow if I can smile through this incredibly tough month, then I must be going into the right profession. I cannot tell you how awesome it feels to be doing something that feels so natural and right. I feel like I will be one of those nurses that loves her job, no matter how taxing and crazy it is.
Today I checked off on urinary catheters. No, it wasn't on a real person, it was on a dummy. But man was it nerve wrecking. There are so many steps to performing it right and on top of trying to maintain a sterile field you have your instructor silently looking over your shoulder the entire time. But, I did great and it was such a relief to get that out of the way. Not too far out of the way though because I was informed by my instructor that she is going to find catheters for me to put in in the hospital. Thanks.
So, clinicals start in two weeks and I'm sure I'll have some interesting experiences to share, of course while maintaining the privacy of the patients, per HIPAA, in case anyone was worried. This is short because I have to read a chapter by tomorrow, although I'd rather just watch House.

I cannot believe it, but I have survived my first month of nursing school. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. So many people told me it's really hard and tiring and I had no idea what they meant by that. It's like trying to explain contractions to someone who has never had a baby. This is the thing: the material in nursing school is not all that difficult. It's a lot of common sense application to entire body processes, but what makes it so difficult is the amount of time you have to learn it. I'm talking about having one week to learn 6 chapters. And these chapters may have 80-100 pages each! Plus, you are learning skills in the lab which you have to check off or test every week. I have had an exam every week in September and I have two more exams before this month is over. So basically my life consists of reading, going to class, studying, and practicing skills.
By Thursday of every week I am so over school, but the funny thing is, by Sunday I can't wait to go back! What?! I guess it's like labor amnesia. You forget how draining and difficult it is.
So, as I posted on Twitter, it is so nice to be working towards something you know God has given you the ability to do. I feel His favor all over my nursing journey. I was blessed to have the hospital that I wanted, with the instructor that I just adore, and on a really cool floor! I am going to have plenty of stories to share about the sights that I see there. I have to get back to studying, on Sunday no doubt, ugh. But I just wanted to update.

First weeks of school

Ok so earlier, in my blog, I talked about how I am a procrastinator. That has not changed, it has just been targeted towards my blog since nursing school procrastination is not an option. I have a few minutes before my spanish class so I thought I would catch up on how nursing school has been going.
First for epiphanies:
1. I realize that this is absolutely what I am supposed to be doing, no doubt.
- I can't believe I get excited about learning to change a bedpan, or realizing you can change a bed with someone in it!
2. I realize that what makes me feel alive or feel like a social contributor is finding a way to be useful and help others. Not in an altruistic way, but with a slight egoist philosophy that helping others and being needed makes me feel good about myself. But that's okay right? Because ultimately people benefit from our deeds even if we want them to.

So I am starting my third week, Wow it went fast. And I just had my first exam. So Scary! I have taken many exams throughout school, but this one is unlike anything I have ever taken. It is not about defining terms or memorizing concepts, it is all application. How I did is yet to be discovered. I am just hoping for a B.
Not only did I have an exam but I also had to "check off" on four skills. Making an occupied bed, brushing a partner's teeth (awkward), assisting said partner with a bedpan and a urinal. We get intimate with each other real quick. My personal space issues have gone out the door!
One of the things I love about nursing school is that I have 84 students in all of my lectures and those same 84 students will (hopefully) all be graduating with me. So though we walk hesitantly towards friendships with one another, there is a security in knowing that we will be able to depend on each other and walk through the same journey for the next two years, not just one semester.
Another thing that I didn't realize is that nursing school is difficult, not necessarily for the content of the nursing, (I am sure that will come later) but rather the volume of work required every day! I literally read an average of 10 chapters a week on top of watching videos for skills and taking quizzes in almost every class. There is literally not enough time to fit everything in, but you know I try.
I love my support system for coming over for free food and letting me practice my skills on them. They just don't realize that the skills may get progressively more invasive. I'm sure that soon they will see me and run the other way. But I'll take advantage while I can.
I am super busy and a bit stressed but over all, I am loving this new experience. I don't know how much I will update but I'll definitely post the highlights.

Orientation

OK, so I thought I would take a break from reading my textbooks to write a little about how my orientation went. And for those thinking, I am only reading ahead because I am nerdy, its not true. I have 9, count them,9 full chapters to read plus handouts before next Thursday. And while most people would be glad that they have the whole weekend to study, weekends for me mean work. My kids are home, my husband is traveling, so there isn't going to be much reading going on unless there is a Spongebob marathon on. Anyway, first let me try to describe how I feel about nursing school after leaving orientation today. It's similar to standing on the top of a skyscraper and feeling alive, and powerful, and strong, until you look down... and then you are terrified.



My feeling can best be summed up by a file folder I just bought. On one side it says
"I'm living the dream"
on the other side it says
"I'm crying on the inside"
Now before you go and call me defeatist, let me just say that I have never seen this volume of work ever! It's never ending, never lets up, only gets more intense. With that said, I absolutely think I can do this!
Ok, on to orientation. I got there about 20 min early and sat down in a reasonable middle seat. Scoped the room and noticed name cards with pictures on it. People started moving when they recognized their face and so I did the same thing. ANd guess where I was placed. Smack dab in the front and in the center. Thanks husband for giving me a last name that is in the front of the alphabet. We sat in alphabetical order. As soon as class started we were handed a math test covering the first 6 chapters.I felt like I was drunk on summer and that test sobered me up and took away my buzz. This is it. Summer is over.
What else? Oh! I ordered my uniforms,all white. Ugly but at least I was able to choose male pants because they are so much less granny than the womens. Ugh, front pleats.
Also got a nurse pack with all kinds of goodies:
Tracheostomy care kit
catheter
iv solution and syringe
bandage scissors
enema
gloves
suction kit
etc...
All in all it was a good day, Still don't know how to make the sign of the cross at the appropriate time, but I did make some connections and feel like I'm going to school with a great group of people. So if I can pick my head up out of my books, I'll post again once my classes get going.