I don't know that I feel like blogging but I know that I don't feel like studying, so I'm thinking of putting into words my clinical experience so far. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing clinical instructor? Well, I say that today because she had my clinical group participate in an activity that allows us to vocalize our feelings about clinicals. It sounds weird that 5 hours working in a hospital could be enough for you to need self therapy, but it is so intense and so overwhelming to be in clinical sometimes that we need a way of defining how we feel, pinpointing our emotions instead of suppressing them. So our instructor had us close our eyes and sit in silence for a couple of minutes just bringing our emotions to the surface. I immediately started squirming in my seat because I don't like to explore emotions in front of others. I am all about suppressing! So as soon as I closed my eyes I knew the tears would come. Next, one by one we vocalized our feelings, going through the range of emotions that can be so contradictory all in a matter of seconds.
For me today, my feelings were overwhelmed, inadequate, excited, frustrated, tired, mentally exhausted, forgiven.
I was surprised to hear as we went around the room that I was not alone. We are expected to know so much and perform so well that you can't help but be left with feelings that you didn't do enough. Today was the first time that I questioned whether nursing is for me. I know that I can nurture the patient and keep my patient safe, but can I deal with the busyness that nurses face for 12 hours a day - never feeling like they accomplished everything, having to prioritize and skip things that may not be life-threatening but may improve a patient's stay. It is incredibly draining to not only grapple with your own emotions but also to take on the emotions of your patients. You try not to feel too much of their feelings but emotions easily attach themselves to whoever they are around.
Nursing forces you to examine your shortcomings. When you think you are smart, something happens that makes you feel like an idiot. When you think you are well organized, a situation comes in that makes you forget you ever had a plan.
But nursing also makes you come back for more and realize that we do what we can, and we care and respect our patients and we eventually forget that we spilled a urinal all over the floor (yeah, happened to me today) and we report on the next week.
I realize that God doesn't need me to be perfect but He wants me to trust that as I work my hardest He replaces my weakness with His strength and my inabilities with His grace.

I did it! I survived first week of clinical!

So yesterday was Face Your Fear day ( I heard it on the radio, so it may be a little unofficial) and it was very appropriate that yesterday was my first day of clinical. Sometimes I don't know why I am always so interested in things that stretch me to the max, but for some reason I have this weird need to do those things that scare me the most, those things that challenge me, and for me yesterday, that was clinical.
I've never been in a hospital for more than a day, nor have visited anyone in the hospital for an extended amount of time, so yesterday was very, very new to me. I didn't know if I'd say anything comprehensible to my patient or calm my hands enough to give a bed bath, but by the grace of God I actually was pretty calm and did pretty well. Not that it wasn't extremely overwhelming and scary but God just kept assuring me that I was supposed to be there.
It's really crazy that I walk on the floor in my scrubs and no one kicks me out! No one says visitor hours are over, no one questions what I am doing at the computer, I don't have to ask anyone whether I can go in a patient's room! It's wild that I am allowed to do most of my patient's care and people actually ask me questions to get information about their patient.
Some cool things I got to see and do: One of the coolest things was being able to see a PICC line inserted into my patient's vein. They ultrasound the arm to find a vein and then insert a tube into the arm that goes into one of the main vessels in the heart.

I was able to do blood glucose testing, discontinue an IV and pull out the tubing.
I did all my patient care minus meds and all unsupervised and it was my first day! I went home sure that I had done something terrible to my patient but I actually got positive feedback about how I did. The funniest thing to me was when I reported off to the nurse (let her know I was leaving, gave an update on our patient) she said, "You were so calm and collected." Haha, yeah right! I was freaking out inside!

Nursing is an adventure and you just get thrown into it all. I didn't realize that I would be dealing with ethical issues my first day there! I dealt with issues of end of life care and the debate of feeding an older, debilitated patient or just giving them IV fluids. It was way more complicated than that and I could really go into it, but it's still overwhelming for me to contemplate some decisions that were made. I was there when a daughter got the news that her mother was going to hospice, that there was nothing else that could be done. Talk about needing to be prayed up before going into clinical.
One last thing, I have the best clinical instructor! She is a nun and uses every opportunity to pray with, speak the gospel to, or share God's love with any patient that needs it. How appropriate that God put me with her to learn how to incorporate my faith into my job everyday.It is seriously like being discipled and I know that not all instructors at my school are like that so I am grateful.
This may sound like a rosy post, but it was not all rosy, believe me. I was excited, scared, happy, crying, frustrated, and confident all in a matter of two clinical days, and still can't believe I have 6 more weeks to go!