Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I don't know that I feel like blogging but I know that I don't feel like studying, so I'm thinking of putting into words my clinical experience so far. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing clinical instructor? Well, I say that today because she had my clinical group participate in an activity that allows us to vocalize our feelings about clinicals. It sounds weird that 5 hours working in a hospital could be enough for you to need self therapy, but it is so intense and so overwhelming to be in clinical sometimes that we need a way of defining how we feel, pinpointing our emotions instead of suppressing them. So our instructor had us close our eyes and sit in silence for a couple of minutes just bringing our emotions to the surface. I immediately started squirming in my seat because I don't like to explore emotions in front of others. I am all about suppressing! So as soon as I closed my eyes I knew the tears would come. Next, one by one we vocalized our feelings, going through the range of emotions that can be so contradictory all in a matter of seconds.
For me today, my feelings were overwhelmed, inadequate, excited, frustrated, tired, mentally exhausted, forgiven.
I was surprised to hear as we went around the room that I was not alone. We are expected to know so much and perform so well that you can't help but be left with feelings that you didn't do enough. Today was the first time that I questioned whether nursing is for me. I know that I can nurture the patient and keep my patient safe, but can I deal with the busyness that nurses face for 12 hours a day - never feeling like they accomplished everything, having to prioritize and skip things that may not be life-threatening but may improve a patient's stay. It is incredibly draining to not only grapple with your own emotions but also to take on the emotions of your patients. You try not to feel too much of their feelings but emotions easily attach themselves to whoever they are around.
Nursing forces you to examine your shortcomings. When you think you are smart, something happens that makes you feel like an idiot. When you think you are well organized, a situation comes in that makes you forget you ever had a plan.
But nursing also makes you come back for more and realize that we do what we can, and we care and respect our patients and we eventually forget that we spilled a urinal all over the floor (yeah, happened to me today) and we report on the next week.
I realize that God doesn't need me to be perfect but He wants me to trust that as I work my hardest He replaces my weakness with His strength and my inabilities with His grace.

4 comments:

  1. AMEN!!!! Keep trusting him... Very soon you will get used to all of these

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  2. andrea...

    that last sentence should be a scripture verse.

    even though i can't see you doing your thing (that would be AMAZING though! if i had health insurance i would neurologically hurt myself so you could help me)... i know you are doing awesome.

    miss you my friend.

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  3. Haha Bobby, you should see me. It's so funny to me to be doing something soooo different from OOE. It stinks that you guys will probably never see me actually do my job! Like I've never actually seen Lydia do hers.

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