It's not just a job to God

Today I realized just how involved God wants to be in my life. God thinks of ways everyday to bring us to a deeper growth or open our eyes to things we didn't previously see.
Yesterday I was assigned a patient who was waiting on a diagnosis of cancer. I knew she had metastatic cancer, her nurse knew, but she and her family did not. I had no idea what to do with this information and I left so saddened by the situation. This morning I talked to my instructor about this unique situation because I couldn't help but relate it to my own life. My grandmother received her cancer diagnosis while I sat in her hospital room talking to her. I felt the mood of her room change from hope to grief in an instant. The room went from laughter to tears and a heaviness settled over the room. Her life would never be the same.
So I explained to my instructor that I felt God wanted me to have this patient, if only because I know how all of this feels as a family member experiencing it. And this blew my mind..... She said that she had been praying over the assignments and she was going back and forth between two different patients for me. She said she kept feeling God leading her to assign this particular patient to me - the only cancer patient we have had on our floor. Wow, we both got chillbumps.
I don't know why God gave me this patient except that I could bring a certain sensitivity to the situation. I didn't pray for her or anything because she didn't want that, but I was able to show kindness and I hope that was enough.
God is intimately involved in our lives and He wants to show us that every single day. And sometimes we just happen to see it.

I don't know that I feel like blogging but I know that I don't feel like studying, so I'm thinking of putting into words my clinical experience so far. Have I mentioned that I have an amazing clinical instructor? Well, I say that today because she had my clinical group participate in an activity that allows us to vocalize our feelings about clinicals. It sounds weird that 5 hours working in a hospital could be enough for you to need self therapy, but it is so intense and so overwhelming to be in clinical sometimes that we need a way of defining how we feel, pinpointing our emotions instead of suppressing them. So our instructor had us close our eyes and sit in silence for a couple of minutes just bringing our emotions to the surface. I immediately started squirming in my seat because I don't like to explore emotions in front of others. I am all about suppressing! So as soon as I closed my eyes I knew the tears would come. Next, one by one we vocalized our feelings, going through the range of emotions that can be so contradictory all in a matter of seconds.
For me today, my feelings were overwhelmed, inadequate, excited, frustrated, tired, mentally exhausted, forgiven.
I was surprised to hear as we went around the room that I was not alone. We are expected to know so much and perform so well that you can't help but be left with feelings that you didn't do enough. Today was the first time that I questioned whether nursing is for me. I know that I can nurture the patient and keep my patient safe, but can I deal with the busyness that nurses face for 12 hours a day - never feeling like they accomplished everything, having to prioritize and skip things that may not be life-threatening but may improve a patient's stay. It is incredibly draining to not only grapple with your own emotions but also to take on the emotions of your patients. You try not to feel too much of their feelings but emotions easily attach themselves to whoever they are around.
Nursing forces you to examine your shortcomings. When you think you are smart, something happens that makes you feel like an idiot. When you think you are well organized, a situation comes in that makes you forget you ever had a plan.
But nursing also makes you come back for more and realize that we do what we can, and we care and respect our patients and we eventually forget that we spilled a urinal all over the floor (yeah, happened to me today) and we report on the next week.
I realize that God doesn't need me to be perfect but He wants me to trust that as I work my hardest He replaces my weakness with His strength and my inabilities with His grace.

I did it! I survived first week of clinical!

So yesterday was Face Your Fear day ( I heard it on the radio, so it may be a little unofficial) and it was very appropriate that yesterday was my first day of clinical. Sometimes I don't know why I am always so interested in things that stretch me to the max, but for some reason I have this weird need to do those things that scare me the most, those things that challenge me, and for me yesterday, that was clinical.
I've never been in a hospital for more than a day, nor have visited anyone in the hospital for an extended amount of time, so yesterday was very, very new to me. I didn't know if I'd say anything comprehensible to my patient or calm my hands enough to give a bed bath, but by the grace of God I actually was pretty calm and did pretty well. Not that it wasn't extremely overwhelming and scary but God just kept assuring me that I was supposed to be there.
It's really crazy that I walk on the floor in my scrubs and no one kicks me out! No one says visitor hours are over, no one questions what I am doing at the computer, I don't have to ask anyone whether I can go in a patient's room! It's wild that I am allowed to do most of my patient's care and people actually ask me questions to get information about their patient.
Some cool things I got to see and do: One of the coolest things was being able to see a PICC line inserted into my patient's vein. They ultrasound the arm to find a vein and then insert a tube into the arm that goes into one of the main vessels in the heart.

I was able to do blood glucose testing, discontinue an IV and pull out the tubing.
I did all my patient care minus meds and all unsupervised and it was my first day! I went home sure that I had done something terrible to my patient but I actually got positive feedback about how I did. The funniest thing to me was when I reported off to the nurse (let her know I was leaving, gave an update on our patient) she said, "You were so calm and collected." Haha, yeah right! I was freaking out inside!

Nursing is an adventure and you just get thrown into it all. I didn't realize that I would be dealing with ethical issues my first day there! I dealt with issues of end of life care and the debate of feeding an older, debilitated patient or just giving them IV fluids. It was way more complicated than that and I could really go into it, but it's still overwhelming for me to contemplate some decisions that were made. I was there when a daughter got the news that her mother was going to hospice, that there was nothing else that could be done. Talk about needing to be prayed up before going into clinical.
One last thing, I have the best clinical instructor! She is a nun and uses every opportunity to pray with, speak the gospel to, or share God's love with any patient that needs it. How appropriate that God put me with her to learn how to incorporate my faith into my job everyday.It is seriously like being discipled and I know that not all instructors at my school are like that so I am grateful.
This may sound like a rosy post, but it was not all rosy, believe me. I was excited, scared, happy, crying, frustrated, and confident all in a matter of two clinical days, and still can't believe I have 6 more weeks to go!

a 100!

OK, I'm not trying to brag but I have to make note of this day because it may not happen again in the next two years of school, but I got a 100 on my fundamentals exam!!!!!! For those who know how subjective and hard and tricky these exams are, you know why I am so excited. It was announced today that 2 people out of 81 students got a 100 but I didn't even have a thought that it would be me, and it was!!!!!
Ok, sorry so not trying to be proud because seriously, I have never appreciated my brain till now, so I'm just grateful.

I was a little embarrassed when I was at church talking about how hard nursing school is, and the person said,"You are smiling really big, you must love it." But then I thought, wow if I can smile through this incredibly tough month, then I must be going into the right profession. I cannot tell you how awesome it feels to be doing something that feels so natural and right. I feel like I will be one of those nurses that loves her job, no matter how taxing and crazy it is.
Today I checked off on urinary catheters. No, it wasn't on a real person, it was on a dummy. But man was it nerve wrecking. There are so many steps to performing it right and on top of trying to maintain a sterile field you have your instructor silently looking over your shoulder the entire time. But, I did great and it was such a relief to get that out of the way. Not too far out of the way though because I was informed by my instructor that she is going to find catheters for me to put in in the hospital. Thanks.
So, clinicals start in two weeks and I'm sure I'll have some interesting experiences to share, of course while maintaining the privacy of the patients, per HIPAA, in case anyone was worried. This is short because I have to read a chapter by tomorrow, although I'd rather just watch House.

I cannot believe it, but I have survived my first month of nursing school. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. So many people told me it's really hard and tiring and I had no idea what they meant by that. It's like trying to explain contractions to someone who has never had a baby. This is the thing: the material in nursing school is not all that difficult. It's a lot of common sense application to entire body processes, but what makes it so difficult is the amount of time you have to learn it. I'm talking about having one week to learn 6 chapters. And these chapters may have 80-100 pages each! Plus, you are learning skills in the lab which you have to check off or test every week. I have had an exam every week in September and I have two more exams before this month is over. So basically my life consists of reading, going to class, studying, and practicing skills.
By Thursday of every week I am so over school, but the funny thing is, by Sunday I can't wait to go back! What?! I guess it's like labor amnesia. You forget how draining and difficult it is.
So, as I posted on Twitter, it is so nice to be working towards something you know God has given you the ability to do. I feel His favor all over my nursing journey. I was blessed to have the hospital that I wanted, with the instructor that I just adore, and on a really cool floor! I am going to have plenty of stories to share about the sights that I see there. I have to get back to studying, on Sunday no doubt, ugh. But I just wanted to update.

First weeks of school

Ok so earlier, in my blog, I talked about how I am a procrastinator. That has not changed, it has just been targeted towards my blog since nursing school procrastination is not an option. I have a few minutes before my spanish class so I thought I would catch up on how nursing school has been going.
First for epiphanies:
1. I realize that this is absolutely what I am supposed to be doing, no doubt.
- I can't believe I get excited about learning to change a bedpan, or realizing you can change a bed with someone in it!
2. I realize that what makes me feel alive or feel like a social contributor is finding a way to be useful and help others. Not in an altruistic way, but with a slight egoist philosophy that helping others and being needed makes me feel good about myself. But that's okay right? Because ultimately people benefit from our deeds even if we want them to.

So I am starting my third week, Wow it went fast. And I just had my first exam. So Scary! I have taken many exams throughout school, but this one is unlike anything I have ever taken. It is not about defining terms or memorizing concepts, it is all application. How I did is yet to be discovered. I am just hoping for a B.
Not only did I have an exam but I also had to "check off" on four skills. Making an occupied bed, brushing a partner's teeth (awkward), assisting said partner with a bedpan and a urinal. We get intimate with each other real quick. My personal space issues have gone out the door!
One of the things I love about nursing school is that I have 84 students in all of my lectures and those same 84 students will (hopefully) all be graduating with me. So though we walk hesitantly towards friendships with one another, there is a security in knowing that we will be able to depend on each other and walk through the same journey for the next two years, not just one semester.
Another thing that I didn't realize is that nursing school is difficult, not necessarily for the content of the nursing, (I am sure that will come later) but rather the volume of work required every day! I literally read an average of 10 chapters a week on top of watching videos for skills and taking quizzes in almost every class. There is literally not enough time to fit everything in, but you know I try.
I love my support system for coming over for free food and letting me practice my skills on them. They just don't realize that the skills may get progressively more invasive. I'm sure that soon they will see me and run the other way. But I'll take advantage while I can.
I am super busy and a bit stressed but over all, I am loving this new experience. I don't know how much I will update but I'll definitely post the highlights.

Orientation

OK, so I thought I would take a break from reading my textbooks to write a little about how my orientation went. And for those thinking, I am only reading ahead because I am nerdy, its not true. I have 9, count them,9 full chapters to read plus handouts before next Thursday. And while most people would be glad that they have the whole weekend to study, weekends for me mean work. My kids are home, my husband is traveling, so there isn't going to be much reading going on unless there is a Spongebob marathon on. Anyway, first let me try to describe how I feel about nursing school after leaving orientation today. It's similar to standing on the top of a skyscraper and feeling alive, and powerful, and strong, until you look down... and then you are terrified.



My feeling can best be summed up by a file folder I just bought. On one side it says
"I'm living the dream"
on the other side it says
"I'm crying on the inside"
Now before you go and call me defeatist, let me just say that I have never seen this volume of work ever! It's never ending, never lets up, only gets more intense. With that said, I absolutely think I can do this!
Ok, on to orientation. I got there about 20 min early and sat down in a reasonable middle seat. Scoped the room and noticed name cards with pictures on it. People started moving when they recognized their face and so I did the same thing. ANd guess where I was placed. Smack dab in the front and in the center. Thanks husband for giving me a last name that is in the front of the alphabet. We sat in alphabetical order. As soon as class started we were handed a math test covering the first 6 chapters.I felt like I was drunk on summer and that test sobered me up and took away my buzz. This is it. Summer is over.
What else? Oh! I ordered my uniforms,all white. Ugly but at least I was able to choose male pants because they are so much less granny than the womens. Ugh, front pleats.
Also got a nurse pack with all kinds of goodies:
Tracheostomy care kit
catheter
iv solution and syringe
bandage scissors
enema
gloves
suction kit
etc...
All in all it was a good day, Still don't know how to make the sign of the cross at the appropriate time, but I did make some connections and feel like I'm going to school with a great group of people. So if I can pick my head up out of my books, I'll post again once my classes get going.

Pre-nursing school lull.

I'm so bored! I have way too much time on my hands and too much time to wonder why I am so ambitious to have decided to pursue another career in my 30s.Other things I have too much time to worry about:

1. Did I lose brain cells over the summer?

2. Am I going to gain the freshman 15 even though I have been doing prereqs for two years and I can't afford to gain even 5 pounds?

3. Am I going to know what to do or say in those inevitably awkward moments where you are dealing with a patient's bodily fluids or anything else unmentionable?

4. Are my friends going to forget that I am here if they don't see me the next two years?

5. Is my style going to slip even more into "What Not to Wear" eligibility?

6. Are my kids main food groups going to be hot dogs, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, and french fries?

7 Am I going end up like this?

Everything is in! I met the deadline through much procrastination but I managed to get all my tests and documents in to the nursing office! I have been poked and prodded, proving that I can't get or give tuberculosis, measles, mumps, rubella, or chicken pox.I have been certified as a professional rescuer, and I have the crappiest health insurance ( high deductible, no copay) just so that I have proof of insurance. But I am officially ready for school.
So now, I am going to enjoy the rest of summer, read some good books, and take as many naps as I can. Because my life is going to get crazy in three weeks.
For example, look at all the books I had to buy for first semester!



So, you probably won't hear much from me til school starts because I am going to be lazy and do nothing!

Rule number 1: Don't be weird

I was talking to my friend this morning about her hospital experience after giving birth and she left me a voicemail describing her student nurse. The first thing I thought was,"oh no, what did she do?!" Immediately my mind goes to making excuses for her. "Well, maybe her instructor made her, maybe it was on her must do list, maybe you mistook her intentions...." Why? Because this nurse undoubtedly could have been me!
My number one fear, other than the fear of getting shot or going to jail when it's not my fault, is not getting a hint and being that super annoying person. I know you are thinking,"there are much more important things to be worried about" but I don't worry so much about the workload of school or the exams or passing, I worry about clinicals and the responsibility of taking care of someone in the hospital who doesn't need to worry that their student nurse is going to be annoying, awkward, or just plain weird! I may not be weird but I most certainly find myself in some awkward situations or conversations where I just want to make a beeline for the door.
So, I welcome the stories of the students who won't leave your room, or who offer unsolicited advice, or sound like walking computers because it is a heads up for me to not be those things.
Remember the number one rule: DON'T BE WEIRD!

Why Nursing?

So a lot of people probably wonder why I would go from a music career to nursing. Let me start by quoting one of my favorite lines from the show "Scrubs". Sarah Chalke's character turns to a nurse (they were dealing with doctor-nurse relationships) and she berated her by saying,"At least I didn't go to nursing school after a failed singing career." When I heard that I about spit out my water laughing because I'm sure that while we had a very successful career many people wonder if this is my fallback career.Yes, in the sense that I started school during the last years of our career with the intention of going to nursing school, but it was actually not the first attempt at school. I am what you would consider a bonafide nerd. Not the cool, intellectual type that will debate for hours about art and politics or even medical issues in the media, but rather I used to be on our tour bus studying algebra for fun or trying to teach myself spanish for the umpteenth time. More recently I wait till my kids go to bed to play the piano for an hour. Totally useless intelligence. (Who uses Algebra in everyday life?)
I'm saying this because I have wanted to be in the medical profession for as long as I can remember. My life plan was to go to Emory University after high school and become a doctor. God had other plans. I have loved, loved , loved singing and all the experiences I have had over the years, but I have always secretly wanted to get an education in the medical field. I even applied to a university right before one of our cds came out but quickly realized that at the time, school would never work. I could imagine myself saying,"I can't make finals because I'll be in Amsterdam for the thousandth time."

So, anyway,(this is really long). I finally realized that I wasn't born into the wrong family and that maybe this nursing thing is actually in my blood. My cousin recently shared with me that my great aunt Carolease was actually one of the first black nurses in Richmond.


She worked as a nurse in public health and her career spanned 45 years. She received her master's in nursing and was a nurse educator the last years of her career. She will be my inspiration when nursing school gets really tough and I want to say,"Never mind."And so will my grandmother who recently passed away, who pushed me to finish my schooling even though we were to busy to go to school due to the demands of traveling. I was so pleased to tell her before she died that I had been accepted to nursing school. I just wish she could have seen me graduate.I am going to go to school and finish because I know that it is in me. I am doing this in honor of them and to make my family proud.

Is this a precursor?

So Yesterday I called the nursing school that I am going to be attending to find out when the nursing program orientation is going to be. Now, I really wanted to know, 1. Because it feels wierd to be doing nothing during the summer and actually having time off, and 2. because I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it or won't be on vacation during the alloted orientation time. So, I call and ask the receptionist or whoever answers a nursing office phone. And this is what she said,
Me: " HI, I'm just calling to find out when the nursing orientation will be held."
Lady: "Do we have your email address?"
Me:"I believe so."
Lady: " Okay, well we'll send you an email letting you know."

WHAT?!?! Why all the secrecy? Really? I can't just can't get a roundabout date? Wierd. SO now I'm worried that this is how nursing school is going to be. I know that I basically sign my life over to them for the next two years but can I at least get a heads up about when I am going to be doing that?



Ok, so on another note, I watched the show,"HawthoRNe" last night on TNT. And I thought it was good, but will hopefully be great as the season goes along. My friend referred to me as "Jada" and I was flattered and would love to be that character, but I have to say that I will probably be more like the new nurse that cried everyday. At least till I really get comfortable in my job. But right now, I'm just concerned with passing my 8 hour CPR class and not re-killing my dummy a la Dwight Shrute.

procrastination must be put on hold

I have a love hate relationship with procrastination. I love to put things off, but later hate the consequences of it.(like I hate seeing my stocking holders up in May when I should have taken them down after Christmas).I actually started on this blog three days ago. SO I have discovered that nursing school will not work with my previous habits of putting things off til the last minute. I actually didn't turn my application in to schools until a month before the deadline date. There is a lot of things you have to get together to complete your application, so this is actually considered last minute. So, I thanked God for allowing me to get everything in on time. Then, after everything was in I still had to wait a month and a half to find out whether I got accepted, which is not good for me because I get gung ho about something and then can completely switch to something else to obsess over. So by the time I got accepted for a minute I thought," Is this what I still want?"
Being honest, I've never really finished anything major on my own in my life! So, this is the first time that I can't get bored or frustrated and just move on.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be about all the things I have to get done before my first day of nursing school.
Here is the list:
1. MMR Immunity

2. Hepatitis Immunity

3. T.B. Skin Test

4. Varicella (chicken pox) Immunity

5. Health Form (stating that I am healthy enough for this)

6. Proof Of Health Insurance

7. CPR Certification

8. Background Screening

9.Buy Math for Meds textbook and study over summer

Seeing as I have done, one of these, it looks like I have a lot to do over summer break. But, I keep telling myself this is nothing compared to what is in store for me in the fall. 

I realize that those who don't care about nursing school or nursing may be snoring right now and that's fine, but thought I'd share this anyways.

Bringing Nursing back, yeah

Not that nursing has gone anywhere, but I'm kind of glad I've jumped on this bandwagon now when nursing seems to be the "in" career. I didn't go into nursing just to make a lot of money and I'm glad because I hear you need a lot more motivation than that to endure in this profession. With nursing in the spotlight though, I do think there will be many positive changes to the profession that nurses have desired for years.President Obama is already seeing to some of them.  With three new shows focused on nurses, I am glad that people will be able to really understand what my job will be and the exposure these shows give will hopefully bring to light some of the unknown hardships many nurses face behind the job, ie., difficult working environment, overworked nurses, job politics. So, I will definitely be glued to my television looking into my future, albeit a very dramatized view.

Orientation

Let me preface this blog for those that don't know me, that I was a christian singer for 12 years before I decided to pursue a career in nursing. We had a great amount of success and I loved being called to that ministry, but in my heart I have always wanted to work in medicine. Just recently the doors were opened for me to do so and I am entering nursing school this fall. So, there is a little background. I may explain more about that later. But right now I am just going to delve into my first day at college orientation.

I am wondering why I am so tired! It may have something to do with me not drinking water all day. Nevertheless, I am on my third cup of coffee. Need to cut back. So the journal thing didn’t stick, but I figured I’d try again now that I have something to document.

Well, first off, I got into nursing school. And not only nursing school but the school of my choice! How awesome is God and that! So today I went to orientation to figure out all the stuff that you need to know before your first day of classes. Since it is a private school it felt very much like I was 18 and going off to college for the first time. Much more extensive then my 15 minute orientation at my community college. Of course when you go to these things you scope everyone out… who will I get along with? Who looks smarter than me? Do I look smart?

   After the initial walkin, we were greeted by one of the sisters of the Dominican order. Don’t know what that is? Well, neither did I. For goodness sake I made the sign of the cross with the wrong hand! Well, they are not sistas or blood related but they are nuns that work in the school. Side note…. What would it be like to never wear makeup? I mean they are au naturale. Anyway, I loved that the sister came in and said a prayer, and in a very seeker friendly way explained the foundations of the college and it was so funny how she assumed everyone prayed everyday and loved God like she did. I wanted to stand up and say,Amen sister!” But, you all know I’m too shy for that. What I do love about this school is they have an onsite chapel where it is open during school hours for anyone to sit and pray or have quiet time. That, to me, is worth the price of admission. 

So I’m not going to go into all the boring details but I am officially registered as a nursing student. I have four days of classes a week, but it doesn’t seem like it will be that bad! Well, except figuring out where my kids are going to go at 6 in the morning so that I can make it to clinical by 6:45.Any suggestions? Maybe it’s a good thing that my kids wake up before 6. They will be used to it. Oh, so I have a separate nursing school orientation that will be happening in August? Not sure, anyway, I will keep everyone posted.

It’s so funny how excited my husband is about me going to nursing school. He doesn’t realize that it will feel like we will both be in school because  he will be raising the kids for two years. But he loves me and is so excited that I am finally fulfilling a lifelong dream!